Brave... again

there's more inside of you

I didn’t know how much I was going to need the words I wrote in my previous post, January.

I thought I was writing those words from a secure place of reflection after a season of growth. I thought those were words laid on my heart to share in encouragement to others.

Well, turns out… I needed those words the most.

I needed to be reminded (over and over again) of the encouragement the Lord laid on my heart in January, in order to endure my February (and March… and April at this point… where is time going?!).

If I am being totally honest, I have been in a season lately filled with lots of “newness” yet also filled with this crazy whiplash feeling in ways. Anyone else been here? You make it through one tough stint, and you come up for air thinking… whew, glad I survived that!

And then another hits… and you’re able to endure it a little more faithfully and confidently… trusting the growth you experienced from the previous season will take root and you’ll walk this one out differently. And you make it through! Thinking, “Okay, yes, now we are past this. The growth I needed is done in me for a while. I am good to move on now!”

You feel the respite for a bit… then BAM, life hits again! Trying to knock you down and telling you to give up already. Whiplash. “Why? Why are we here again? Do I have anything even left in my tank to get back up yet again?”

But then you realize… you’re so much stronger now. And so… you get back up and you keep going. Weary and timid… yet so resilient and brave. Life’s trials have built a courageous soldier out of you. Your faith is deeper than ever before.

And as I personally find myself in this place again (truly, my twenties have been one heck of a ride!), I’m reminded of the words the Lord gave me last month, before I even knew I needed them:

1. You have the power to pivot and keep building.

2. The boundary lines have fallen for you in pleasant places. No matter what your circumstances say… this promise is true for you.

3. You have the power to do it differently…You’re stronger, more resilient, more hopeful, more rooted… you’re empowered by the Holy Spirit to face trials differently now…

Sheesh. How did I write those words in January and not see this coming?! Those words perfectly speak to my heart as they graciously try and hand me the bravery I need to choose faith within this chasm of where I find myself standing again.

If you’re a close friend or family member of mine, you know the last six years since graduating grad school have been a whirlwind for me. And God bless you for being with me through it all! If I’m being honest, my journey through young adulthood and the workforce so far has become the most formative years of my life. These years have shaped me in ways that are both beautiful and hard, filled with challenges and triumphs, failures and growth, tears and joy. Life will always be “both…and.” Through it all, I’ve transformed in ways I never expected—sometimes unrecognizable from the person I was before, but I’m so proud of the growth, the faith, and the boldness that has brought me to this moment. Through marriage, career dynamics, several moves, health challenges, and personal growing pains spiritually, mentally, and physically – these years have been marked by so much change and growth. While in hindsight, I’m so beyond thankful for the freedom I’ve found through it all and the depth to which I feel like I now know the Lord and who I truly am… at the same time, I’m also so ready for a break. Amen?!

So, I was hopeful in January. I really believed I was in a good spot. Things finally felt secure, stable, and calm in most ways. Even as I looked ahead at the changes to still come this year (hello baby boy!! & house renovations & etc. etc.), I felt at peace about it all because of the strength I’ve built up, the endurance I’ve discovered, and the faith I’ve fortified through the last six years. I felt equipped to tackle it all and a peace in knowing overall, the other areas of my life finally felt good. Settled.

And then whiplash hit.

And the very thing I thought that I fought so hard in faith the past several years to find; the thing that I was actually reliant on to finally provide me security and peace and comfort was taken away… again.

My job.

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves standing before a prevailing fork in the road. Maybe you (like me) have already been here before. The path ahead feels unclear, and it’s hard to maybe even quite understand how we arrived at this point (again). The weight of the decision feels immense, and the fear of making the wrong choice looms large. Our minds effortlessly conjure up every "what if" scenario, feeding anxiety with possibilities that could paralyze us: "What if it’s not the right time? What if I’m not ready? What if I fail?"

But this time, something is finally different. For the first time, my heart speaks louder than my fears, and it tells me that I can move differently this time. "You’ve built resilience. You’ve been through enough to trust in yourself now. It's the perfect time to be brave, to pivot, and to make the choice based on faith, not fear. You can be bold… and maybe, just maybe, you’ll soar higher than you ever imagined."

So, here I stand… again… choosing courage, choosing hope. Choosing to pivot and keep building.

As a recovering perfectionist, I once thought a large portion of my identity and happiness would be found in landing the "perfect" job, one that reflected everything I had studied and worked towards. If I’m being quite honest with myself, I wanted my title to define me and to adequately reflect all I had achieved. But after years of highs and lows, of striving and learning, I’ve realized that I am more than the work I do or the title I hold. I know who I am, what I can offer, and where I want to go. I’ve discovered that I have so much to give the world, and none of it can be (or must be) contained in a job title or a degree.

I’ve spent a few years now trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, convincing myself that peace and happiness would come from securing the “right” position, and that safety and comfort would bring joy along the way… that the heart would find its place in this world, once the mind was convinced that we were safe, known, and secure.

Yet, as time has passed and I stand at another crossroads, yet again failing to find security in this place… I am finally admitting, it’s time to pivot and choose a different path. It’s time to be brave – knowing that lasting peace, joy, and comfort are mine to have, but yet, not to be found in anything this world has to offer.

For years, I’ve been asked, 'What do you want to do?' and I have strived to find an answer that would impress and inspire. But now, I find myself asking, 'What kind of life do I want to live?' 'How do I want to show up in the world?' 'What brightens my days and fills my soul?' and I’m realizing that, with a choice of bravery at these newfound crossroads, I can take a step closer to focusing on and shifting my life toward answering the latter of the two questions.

I don’t have a pretty bow to tie all this up in today, my friend. But stay tuned as to how it all plays out as I take step by step to figure this out again with the Lord… somehow, trusting this too is all in His timing, for my good, and for His glory.

But what I do truly know in this moment – is that, unlike the last time I found myself in this place - this time, my heart is actually fortified now to choose to dream and seek the blessing through it all. I do trust that somehow the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. That somehow maybe these unwanted limitations are for my good. My heart is choosing to trust, and fear is slowly falling away.

The exact same circumstance that ignited so much chaos and burden in my life last time…this time, I can actually see the hope underneath that I fought so hard to discover in the sorrow of this similar journey previously. Peace didn’t leave me this time… because through this rollercoaster of a journey, I have found where my soul truly belongs. Fear is still on my doorstep, but even so, I see now that peace and joy are still mine to have.

So I guess for now, I’m just here to say (to you and to myself) … when the world around you continues to give way, and your circumstances continue to feel like whiplash time and again… maybe, just maybe, you’ll shock yourself with how much your perspective changes each time this same situation keeps coming your way. As time goes on, yet you’re back here again, maybe you’ll surprise yourself with the newfound roots you have. Maybe even though it feels the same, you’ll recognize how different it actually is… how different you actually are. And even as you stand in the face of the same familiar pain you’ve felt before, you’ll feel empowered to do it differently this time. Maybe although it feels like you’re back at square one, your viewpoint this time will show you just how far you’ve actually come.

And maybe as you stand at the same crossroad again… maybe this time you’ll take a whole new path. You’ll continue to be brave, resilient, & hopeful.

Your heart will show you after all this time, there’s still more inside of you…
You’ll find even more strength as you pivot and keep building.

Keep going, friend. I’m with you.